Believe In Surrendering
After being diagnosed with Erythema Nodosum; a person’s skin fat reaction to an infection. A new set of events brought us back to the big “?”.
Upon starting her medication, we observed improvement in Caitie’s “bites” it was starting to fade faster and no new ones came about. If so, one or 2 only. 2 weeks in the medication, lesions started to come out again on her face then on her arms, knee and foot and it was rapidly increasing. We shifted brands with the TB meds and changed her diet and we saw improvement again with the cycle of the lesions. But her tummy pain was getting worse. She would wake up in the middle of the night crying in pain. Her tummy got big and hard / gassy again. Thats the time when our media suggested that we proceed to the ER already to do some work up. It was January 1.
At this point I told Jayjay that I have 3 hypothesis:
1. Do I have an unconfessed sin?
2. Am I reaping the consequences of my past sin?
3. Are we set to live the life of Job?
– My mother-in-law’s death, My father-in-law’s work related concerns, my children’s health, our 2 house help leaving at the eve of new year, stolen belongings of my sister-in-law and the list goes on.
As much as we want to immediately choose the life of Job, I needed to humble myself and have a heart check. Whatever the root cause it may be, the end point is the same “whatever the enemy intended for harm, the Lord uses it for good”.
I was then set that I need to take this out into the light. Yes we love posting pics about our kids and family but we never really disclosed much about intimate struggles about our life. We or I rather was a bit too reserved on this part. But this time I realised there is a possibility that this will continue not until I allow our lives to be used by God to be a witness to his power and faithfulness.
The story of the woman who was healed when she believed and the little girl Jesus raised from the dead and Gideon’s story became so alive during our stay in the hospital.
I believe I’m an extremely pro active person and want to do what should be done immediately. Much like Gideon, he tried to bring in a lot of men to fight of the enemies and gathered 30,000 men. I on the other hand had a lot of doctors in Caitie’s team; preventive, hemo-onco, infectious disease, gastro, rheuma, derma on top of people suggesting and consulting with other doctors, experience, treatments, plus medical tests, ct scans, bone marrows, X-rays, cultures, fecal, hema, serum, etc.
The Lord said to Gideon, “The people who are with you are too many for Me to give Midian into their hands, for Israel would become boastful, saying, ‘My own power has delivered me.'” Judges 7:2
Up until now, we still don’t have a pin pointed diagnosis of whats going through her body. symptoms don’t add up together, some exams with slight errors and not consistent for a diagnosis. High wbc, low rbc, low platelet, on off fever, enlarged spleen and liver, erythema nodosum. There were a lot of inconsistencies in lab results too to the point that doctors are wondering how come its normal when it was and should still be abnormal. After fasting, we expected wbc, hemoglobin and platelets to go lower but results showed otherwise and increased in number. Considering we haven’t been doing, results are starting to be favourable! which is weird but good! We do have a couple of assumptions but diagnosis is still not concrete.
I believe its God is humbling us that only He can deliver and heal Caitlin. Not the best team of doctors, tests, medicines etc. This in itself is a miracle in the making.
When we started to finally start telling people of what is happening in our lives and asked for prayers, we received a lot of messages of encouragement and testimonies of how they viewed obedience, trust, Jesus, faithfulness differently because of what we shared.
At this time, I started to have a heart check and I realised that my faith did not just shrink but its inexistent! not even a mustard seed! But God sends in people to be His voice when I choose to be distracted from His voice. He sent our dgroup leaders to animate bible stories that Caitie loves. Ive always read the story of the sick girl, the healed woman to Caitie but its different now. Every twist and turn of the story sounded as if it was our own.
This was it! this was what God wanted me to learn. I didn’t believe Him and I needed to understand
what believing means.
Believing is surrendering. Its all or nothing.
Its like Philippe Petit. The tight rope walker who crossed the twin towers in New york without any safety harness not just once but 8 times! eight!!! I had to let go of anything that I felt safe with. I had to go and walk!
I was sincerely at this point feeling exactly what Abraham felt. I was completely sure that I have finally surrendered Caitlin. No more tears and only cheer. That this is from the Lord so what do I fear? This is exactly His plan. If He wanted to take Caitie back, ok Lord.
Believing is not a one time choice. Its a moment by moment. Especially that I always have vain imaginations, self pity, worry, anxiety. I have to choose to think about whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, whatever is excellent or praiseworthy. I need to think about such things!
And so I did. I finally believed. I was honest with the Lord that I have bits of fear but I asked Him to sustain my faith…my mustard seed faith…my smaller than an iodised salt grain faith. And I practiced it!
Interestingly, her lesions stopped to appear, she didn’t complain about any tummy pain, no cough. Though lab results do not jive together, her disposition was pretty good! I believe in this Miracle. I never really believed in new generation miracles. I always thought that it could be explained but this time, I saw it in my own eyes and I choose to believe.
We’re still waiting for more lab results to finally pin point it but whatever it is, I how I have surrendered and I will continue to believe.
Thank you for your prayers! Do find encouragement that it did move mountains! My heart got changed, Caitie does not feel pain, she has been such a trooper so far! Pls continue that more people will come to have a stronger relationship with Jesus because of the life of Jesus. that her pain will not be in vain. Please pray also for her nutrition, to strive to grow in height and weight. that her body will absorb the nutrients of food, medication and her limbs will grow stronger.
Ive also practiced to bless my child outloud… “Caitlin I bless you with good health, I bless you with bravery” “I believe of your healing”
Children are indeed a blessing from the Lord because this experience was not for Caitlin but more so for us, her parents.
The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.
Here’s to waiting
Miracles and Healing (Mark 5:21-43 )
When Jesus had crossed over again in the boat to the other side, a large crowd gathered around Him; and so He stayed by the seashore. One of the synagogue officials named Jairus *came up, and on seeing Him, *fell at His feet and *implored Him earnestly, saying, “My little daughter is at the point of death; please come and lay Your hands on her, so that she will get well and live.” And He went off with him; and a large crowd was following Him and pressing in on Him.
A woman who had had a hemorrhage for twelve years, and had endured much at the hands of many physicians, and had spent all that she had and was not helped at all, but rather had grown worse— after hearing about Jesus, she came up in the crowd behind Him and touched His cloak. For she thought, “If I just touch His garments, I will get well.” Immediately the flow of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction. Immediately Jesus, perceiving in.
Himself that the power proceeding from Him had gone forth, turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched My garments?” And His disciples said to Him, “You see the crowd pressing in on You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’” And He looked around to see the woman who had done this. But the woman fearing and trembling, aware of what had happened to her, came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction.”
While He was still speaking, they *came from the house of the synagogue official, saying, “Your daughter has died; why trouble the Teacher anymore?” But Jesus, overhearing what was being spoken, *said to the synagogue official, “Do not be afraid any longer, only believe.” And He allowed no one to accompany Him, except Peter and James and John the brother of James. They *came to the house of the synagogue official; and He *saw a commotion, and people loudly weeping and wailing. And entering in, He *said to them, “Why make a commotion and weep? The child has not died, but is asleep.” They began laughing at Him. But putting them all out, He *took along the child’s father and mother and His own companions, and *entered the room where the child was. Taking the child by the hand, He *said to her, “Talitha kum!” (which translated means, “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). Immediately the girl got up and began to walk, for she was twelve years old. And immediately they were completely astounded. And He gave them strict orders that no one should know about this, and He said that something should be given her to eat.