Rare Is Nothing New
So we’ve officially started treatment and so far so good. Reading up on what I will expect to see and happen.
Yes we’ve been diagnosed with a rare disease but it’s nothing unique you see. It’s pretty common with everyone else.
During our stay in all hospitals, we would talk with parents and patients with brain tumors, leukemia in all stages and ages, heart attack at a young age, Down syndrome, Kawasaki, transplants, amputations, broken bones and a whole lot of diseases.
We’re nothing really different from each other. We go through the acceptance, the denial, the guilt, and anxiety, the fear of the unknown and a whole lifestyle and financial turn over.
We struggled in prayer, asking for a once in a lifetime kind of miracle that the sickness will just immediately disappear and you’ll wake up that all is well.
We end up having a bipolar personality. With ourselves and with our child. One time we’re so positive and jolly and in just a switch, we end up so frustrated and negative. Then you get guilty about it and ask for forgiveness.
Most of the time, we explain to Caitie what is going to happen and the things she needs to do or not do. For example, with gargling with salt water regularly, she know that she has to garlgle and do proper mouth hygiene to refrain from having mouth sores, at first she would do it, then on the 3rd or 5th time, she would forget and not want to do it and we’ll have another discussion about it.
I realized Caitie reflects our hearts toward God’s promises. At first we accept it whole heartedly then when the same situation or something worse happens, we forget about the promises again and we struggle again. Instead of being able to do things faster, we end up repeating every discussion.
Honestly it’s a little frustrating to repeat everything almost every single time. Good thing the Lord never gets tired or frustrated on how He needs to repeat everything to me.
It’s going to be a big change. But to know that we are not alone and that a lot have gone through this gives comfort.
Looking back at her Nana’s journey with Cancer, she has remained mobile and cheerful. She never turned her back from God despite the cancer metastasizing after 7 years. Missing her bright spirit at this time. After 2 months of going home to Jesus, we again are with our Courageous Caitie facing Cancer with Christ whatever happens, it will always be a win. Because the Lord will always sustain and heal. Because that’s Who He is. Whichever manner, whatever happens. There will be healing.
Maybe the 2 birds I always see when I pray represents that this isn’t just Caitie’s battle but also ours. God is pretty amazing at that.
We celebrate the now, hope for tomorrow and give thanks for yesterday. We move forward knowing that in all things, it will exactly go as planned. The way God planned it even before.
So now I can somewhat breathe while I see Caitie no longer suffering and not doing anything about it. It was really crazy to see her deteriorate and wait and not able to give treatment because you don’t know what you were fighting!
There’s a great relief to know what your disease is! I can finally open a loadful of emails, go back to work and be a home maker in Singapore. Imagine that, migrating and creating a home in less that a week! I choose to be excited with it. (Choosing the positive side)
A lot of interesting changes. May the good Lord continue to sustain Caitie as He has been doing back when we were finding the diagnosis. Now that she’s on treatment, may He cause it to be effective and protect her so she won’t have any infection and complications!
To those who are going through sickness, an operation, a disease, a heartache, it’s normal to be tempted to turn your back from God. But try as much as you can to count and remember the good things that He has done and continues to do. Cry, struggle and wrestle with Him. He simply wants you. Every being of you. Know that prayer won’t change His mind but it will change your perspective. How you will respond.
Believe that it’s better to face the trial with Jesus than none at all. Because in Him there is assurance that everything will work together for the good.
Take each moment as it is. Don’t even take it as a day. Choose to be cheerful and laugh because when there is no stress in the room, the heart rates goes down and oxygen level goes up. It’s impossible and sometimes you walk to sulk. But choose the better giant! find an outlet. You need one!
do your best as if everything depended on you and pray as if everything depended on the Lord. It’s never 50-50. It’s 100-100!
I haven’t mastered this and I continue to struggle everytime but to know my weakness somewhat keeps me on my toes that I need to watch out for it and control it so I won’t be bipolar.
To wrestle and struggle with God is real. To feel fear, anxiety, anger, guilt and uncertainty. To try not to ask why but you eventually end up getting angry and asking why. To pour out our heart why there should be pain and suffering. Especially to this little girl who has always been obedient, intelligent, respectful, loving and cheerful. She was seriously one of a kind. Seriously.
We can try to post as much happy and hopeful circumstances and pictures but not until you embrace and process the situation will you be able to move forward.
Honestly, when things happen opposite of being favorable, you are tempted to turn your back on the Lord.
Sometimes, most of the times… You will never appreciate what joy means without tragedy.
But after you have settled, processed things, you realized that tragedy will not go away. It’s either you choose to go the other way, and have no hope at all or to choose tragedy with the Lord… holding on to the assurance and hope that He will make all things works work for the good.
So yes, I admit I was tempted to turn my back on Him but come to think of it, there’s no hope in that. There’s no better assurance that the giver of life Himself.