Lately, I have been searching for something I don’t know. I have come into terms with the reality and truth that everything exactly happened the way that it should. I have accepted the truth that God is for me, that He is sovereign, that He has a plan, He knows what is best that He is God and I am not.
I may not want answers to my “why” questions, I may have reached a point where I have stopped analyzing, hypothesizing and I guess I am content but I realized there was something missing.
I would look around and see how broken this world is. It felt as if it’s a big advertising campaign wherein they hide the truth, hype things up and make you want something you don’t need. Almost everywhere I would look, there is pain, suffering, discontent and problems just doesn’t seem to end.
My son has been having rashes due to hypersensitive skin and I cant seem to believe it. My husband is stranded in Batanes where the typhoon hit to signal #5 and communication was close to zero. Have I become insensitive? Numb?
I feel I have lost my old self, but do I really want my old self back? I look at myself in the mirror and my eyes look and feel hollow and empty.
Then I got to talk with the mother of a patient that Courageous Light has been helping. She was feeling defeated and tired of begging. Then she said “you must know how this feels”.
I did. But what was I to say to this mother? How was I to encourage? What would I want to hear if I was in the room with my daughter in pain with all the uncertainty. What did I need to tell myself as well? What was God trying to teach me by answering another’s pain that was a reflection of mine.
When I was tired of crying and begging, during our PICU stay in Singapore, we finally chose to live. We changed Caitie’s bed sheets, her pajamas and found ways to laugh…and she did. Though we couldn’t change nor understand our circumstance, we chose to control our response and not allow the pain to control us.
I told the mom to live right now. I told myself to live right now. Don’t wait for the “right time” Don’t wait until everything has subsided. Don’t wait until you “feel” ok, don’t wait when you are ready. You don’t need to know the answers, you don’t need to know until when. You just need to live. You just need to do it. We didn have to understand everything, we simply needed to be the best mother and wife to our child and husband. Our best would mean that we were to live and make each moment in the PICU as if it was the best day. To live at its best is to laugh more, teach more and live with others and not just for ourselves.
So we lived…and we continue to live.
But its not enough to live. Its not enough to know the truth. Its even not enough to accept. As I look into my own eyes, I realize I have embraced the art of letting go but I have suppressed the art of loving.
When we were young, we were “dying” to grow up and be a college student. When we were college students, we were “dying” to finish school and work. When we started to work, we were “dying” to finally work and earn. When we were working, we were “dying” to get married and have kids. When we had a family, we were “Dying” for the kids to grow up so we can have our own time again. When they grew up, we are too old and literally dying.
Its not enough to live. We need to love.
Now I understand why of all commandments, God made “love” the most important of all.
He answered, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Luke 10:27
I have been asking why I cant find myself to be cheerful again. I have always asked why God gave
emotions such as grief. Why couldn’t the feeling of loss be a temporary feeling? Where you will remember the person but forget the pain?
We always want something that is beyond our reach, we want something that we do not have, and we want something that we have lost. Its not enough to “understand the truth”, its not enough to be “content” with what we have. We have to allow our mind and our heart to be in sync. To embrace the truth, to be content and most especially to love. To love without limits.
To be in a limitless relationship with God and love others without limits, then you can find yourself to be cheerful again. It is to acknowledge your individuality and purpose and look beyond yourself.
The days that I win are those days when I focus too much on my grief, my pain. Everything “I”, “me”, “myself”. But the days that I win are those days when I actually grow out of it and stop being selfish.
I know for a fact that the world will never be rid of this brokenness, pain, suffering because of sin but it would be unfair for my son, my family and myself if I live up for the rest of my life with emptiness in my eyes. We were not created to carry this burden. This was the very reason why Jesus did what He did and died on the cross. He did it as a substitute and to carry the burden of the yoke for us…because of love.
My son is excited with almost everything and what can be. And though I cannot take out pain for him, I can prepare him and tell him that it will be worth it….the brokenness, the pain and suffering will be worth it as he focus his eyes on eternity and the promise of hope we have in Jesus. My son, through the brokenness of this world will be able to live out his purpose.
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. Romans 8:18
Everything is indeed a choice. My daughter may no longer exist here and just be limited in my memory but I can choose to live the truth, practice contentment and learn to love again.
The verse is leaping out and makes so much sense now than before.
“Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.”
1 Corinthians 13:13
To see beyond and live the truth, to practice contentment and hold on to hope and most especially to learn to love again; this would certainly bring back the sparkle in my eyes and be cheerful again... unshaken and cheerful.