The year is a few months shy from ending and Jayjay and I have filled up our months with new hobbies and activities.
Possibly trying out new things or finally doing something we only wished we could've done when we were single.
But more than anything else, I think it's satisfying our need to finally "finish" or "win" and "not giving up". This time, we will not loose.
After surrendering and experiencing an "end" through our daughter's life and death in a short span of time, we have experienced dryness and a lack of taste and vibrancy of color for life.
I had a distaste for homeschooling my son, I lost my perkiness at home and lost excitement for new things.
until one random moment that I told myself that I didn't want to be defeated any longer.
My husband has been regularly going to the gym and he shares how what keeps him going is that he becomes committed to something and even when he wants to give up from that last rip, he would push himself and finish his sets and be satisfied to finish what he started excellently. He has been diligent with biking and teaching Ethan how to bike and to swim.
As for me, I have enrolled myself in different workshop and try to see how big life can still be. I have learned how to do Macrame, papercut, watercolor, acrylic, calligraphy, voice and singing improvement and theater among others.
Together as a family, we try to crack open our shell and stop the stigma of "this is who I am" to "this is who I can become" by trying to meet old and new friends alike. Rediscovering the passion and fun to homeschooling, cooking, planting, sports, traveling and the arts as a family.
It's still difficult to get out of bed because I still want to wake up to a different reality but as we expose ourselves to new things, we build up new memories.
I guess this is what it means to live in the middle. To look for her and to home in our hearts but to tell our minds not to give up and continue living.
Death has taught us to be fearless, to have more compassion and to live not for ourselves yet enjoy that life can be abundant.
Death has taught me that sadness is not a bad thing. That experiencing sadness is a part of life and that it is ok. That life doesn't always have to be perky and happy to be considered good.
Genuine joy is to embrace the worst but believe in the best. Joy can be found in being stuck in quick sand believing that you can get out. Joy is to believe.
I may see life differently now because of a so called "failure" but it has become the biggest motivation for me not to be defeated. to tell death straight on that he holds no chains on me.
I don't know what lies ahead, but I will continue to live until the day that I am called home.