Did I hold her enough?
I wish I held her more. Calea has cough and colds which she caught from her brother and I've been trying to not worry. As she tightly held on and snuggled in my arm, I kept on caressing her hair and body believing that a mother's touch just like "unang yakap" can help her heal faster. sleepless nights and all I wish is for her to get better immediately.
As I enveloped her warm body, I remembered Caitie and wondered if I held her enough?
Growing up, hugs and kisses were far off our family norm. My husband would attest that "touch" is the least or possibly it’s out of the list of my love language. It takes a whole lot of effort especially that my husband's love language is touch. But as I become a mother, I have learned to love another not in the way I understand it but to express my love the language my child, husband, family or friend understands and feels love the most. If there is one thing to describe what marriage and what parenting is all about; selflessness is the essence of love.
Parenting has really changed me. I used to have selfish ambitions and priorities when I was single and it has changed in an instant when I became a parent.
I have learned not to live for myself and how important it is to do and be what God has intended me to be. I was motivated to change.
Just recently, in one of Courageous Light's outreach in a orphanage, I felt the urge to embrace each and every single abandoned child in the crowd. I thought, I'm sure a lot of volunteers would come and bring gifts and entertainment but I wonder when was the last time that these children received an embrace?
Together, the volunteers decided to give the gift of touch. To embrace and not let go until they were ready to let go. "Masakit o mahigpit ba" (is it too tight?) "Hindi po, masarap po" (no, it actually feels really good) I thought this was a way for them to experience Jesus the closest possible and make an impact to transform the course of their future into a better path.
But I was wrong.
Instead, I was the one who was changed.
When they hugged back and when the children embraced me tight, I felt my heart and my soul healing. it broke down the hard shell of anger and guilt and it was replaced with an assurance that God is sovereign.
It calmed my heart and my soul. There I found rest. Isnt it ironic that the best way to heal from one’s pain is to sacrificially practice others first. We were made for others, for relationships and not be consumed with our misery.
I wiped my tears dry and held on Calea a little bit closer. I whispered a prayer telling Jesus to embrace me a little bit more tonight and assure me that He is pleased with how I raised up Caitie in the short time I had. I may think that I wasn’t good enough and with all the mistakes I made but even in bad times, I still praise Him. Because of my shortcomings, I am a better version of myself. I saw myself in this video by vicks. Vicks touch of love ph isnt it amazing? The magic of a touch of care transforms more of the giver than the receiver. So now, I embrace Ethan and Calea a little bit more, I have learned the art of massage for my husband and I make an effort to beso/kiss and embrace people I meet.
The gift of touch I have given to others has transformed me more than I thought!