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The struggle that bereaved individuals try not to talk about

The intensity of brokenness doesn’t really change. But the frequency decreases. I still wonder what life could’ve been. What if we went through business or finance problem instead and not sickness that slowly allowed death to consume the life and laughter of our home? 

God knew that business and finance wasn’t as important to us or possibly I would’ve looked for answers and solutions. 

But death... there was no turning back. 

It was a complete dying to self. 

Years have passed and we are expected to “be ok” or “to move on” and we ourselves want to. But to be honest, the same questions from day 1 still lingers on till today. But we process faster and the frequency is less. Sometimes, When I am filled with so much emotions without words to express, I go to verses for I know that what I am feeling happens to people and those in the bible. Like today when I live and breathe the whole chapter of Ecclesiastes. “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” 3 What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun? 4 Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. “ Ecclesiastes 1:1-4 I look at my life now after 2 years and I see that my passion for life and to love God is still the same. I mean, I was deeply wanting and was continuously changing to be the best I could be for God with the hope of storing treasures in heaven and I still am now... I mean, couldn’t we live excellently if she is alive with us? What does this accomplish? “16 I said to myself, “Look, I have increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. 18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;     the more knowledge, the more grief. Ecclesiastes 1:16-18 Would I want wisdom in all of this? I guess there will still be some questions that need to be kept it in an “ask later” box... wherein I know that I will never get a specific answer now. (But when I get to heaven, would asking these questions matter?) “What then do I gain by being wise?” I said to myself,     “This too is meaningless.” 16 For the wise, like the fool, will not be long remembered;     the days have already come when both have been forgotten.’ I admit that I hated life. When people ask me how I am, I share how much i see the world to be so ugly and broken and I hated it. That I simply want to go home. 

Taking my life came to mind. I was tired of it all. People will grieve but I’m sure they’ll forget and move forward. but the thought of being separated forever with my loved ones and not being able to be with Jesus in heaven kept my feet on the ground. 

Life may feel meaningless but it doesn’t mean that I should kill myself to find meaning!

For me to still be here means I still have much work to accomplish for Him. I have forever in heaven and just a lifetime here in preparation for eternity. 

Life may be meaningless but dear self, this life is a preparation for eternity. Forever. What you do now is to store real riches for your real home.  “To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God.” Ecclesiastes 2:26 Thought I do not and will never ever understand, I trust that the who created Caitie is the God who straightens what is bent. 

He was and is continuous to be good.  I hold on to the hope that I will stop  counting the days, months, years of my life and expecting to die anytime soon because dear self, God can keep me occupied living with the gladness of heart. For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart. Ecclesiastes 5:20

This is what I have observed to be good: that it is appropriate for a person to eat, to drink and to find satisfaction in their toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given them—for this is their lot. 19 Moreover, when God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them, to accept their lot and be happy in their toil—this is a gift of God.” Ecclesiastes 5:18-19 To consciously guard my step and to draw near to God and to remove grief and anger from my heart. Taking that step from mourning to dancing. I constantly pray that I take heed in His instructions only. “25 So I turned my mind to understand,     to investigate and to search out wisdom and the scheme of things and to understand the stupidity of wickedness     and the madness of folly. Ecclesiastes 7:25 So for you who may constantly be battling with these thoughts as well, Do not be scared to face your brokenness, do not be scared to question nor express your anger and disappointment but make it an effort to process these thoughts and emotions in the light... according to His word in the bible. After processing, you will have a renewed wisdom and you’ll be able to breathe again. So welcome that intensity of brokenness whenever it comes to visit, process it in the light of His truth and not just listen to what people will say or advise. May that intensity of brokenness be replaced with vigor for wisdom and truth. “A person’s wisdom brightens their face     and changes its hard appearance.” Ecclesiastes 8:1 

Isn’t it amazing that the bible doesn’t just have the answers but has the exact emotions that we go through. And able to lead us to rightfully process

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